What would you do, how would you feel, if everything you’ve worked hard for are lost? And you have to start over?
Such moments as ‘being in the brink of being kicked out of a school’, ‘ getting fired from a job’ , ‘business going bankrupt’ , ‘sabotage from people’ , ‘health problems’ ‘disabiliting injuries’ , and so forth. The list goes on.
In such moments, what goes through your mind?
What emotions do you feel?
How do you react?
When one is about to die, such as through old age, one might experience a type of existential loneliness. Fear of the unknown or death. What would happen after you die? Will people still remember you? What’s on the other side? Will your existence cease from that point onward? What has your life been about? What have you accomplished?
I learned this concept in development psychology (insert developmental phase) where often people who are aging will start looking back in their life near their final years. Summarizing what has been and what they have accomplished. And in my counseling psychology class, I learned of a concept called existential loneliness where one experiences a type of loneliness near death.
This morning I found myself waking up with an empty feeling, the type where you know it’s the next day and it’s time to start a new day but you remember the pain from yesterday. Yesterday, I had an argument with my mom about something stupid. I can take the fact that she’s illiterate that causes her not to understand things some times, but it bothers me a lot when she acts out on them. I was so angry that I did something really regretful to retaliate. I’m possibly the worst child ever.
Sometimes I wonder how I could live with the purpose for my mom yet do something so wrong.
After this incident, I feel that a sense of my purpose is lost. For what reasons am I fighting for. For what reasons am I living for if I constantly make the same mistakes over and over.
My mom is sleeping now and so is my brother so things is a little quieter giving me some time and peace to write about this. I am really hungry now. I wonder what I should focus on today.
In the past few days, one of the main theme of life was building up my work habits. I’m slowly replacing my old habits with ones that will help me towards my goals. Here are some of the things I did and would suggest doing:
1. I found that consciously paying attention to what you are doing really helps. For example, I would try to write down what I was doing every hour. The data tells me how well I am using my time and what my old habits were. By paying attention to myself, I can change. What I want to take note of is how my activities change over the next few weeks. Hopefully, I will see that in most of my hours what’s being recorded down are “work, work something work related”
2. Setting daily goals. I noticed that in the past when I was really productive, I always kept a daily goal thingy on my desktop. Every time I opened up the lap top, the daily goal thingy would pop up reminding me what I have done or not. ANd I can also add to it. I think it helped a lot because even if I am not focused on my work, someone just having that there subsconscoulsy reminds me. And as you psychology students might know, the subsconsious and unconscious mind (things that are going on in your mind without your awareness) are much more powerful. It is operating behind the scene and sooner these daily planning will start to have their effects on you and you ll find yourself working towards them.
3. I sleep too much before. I remebered in the past I use to sacrifice sleep and healthy eating and exercise for work. There would be days where I am so immsersed in my studying or work that I don’t sleep at all. However over the last few months, I have been trying to take care of my health more and I thikn that is causing me not to put enough priorities into work. Like this afternoon I told myself before I sleep that i have to wake up 2 hours later.. and even if I am super sleepy i have to get up. Whereas in the past I would just keep sleeping.. because my body needs it. This hasn’t yet been going so well, but I hope by the next few weeks, I will sleep lesser.
These are three things i have been doing lately. aside from a lot of soul searching and planning.