I’m exhausted. the idea of death becomes appealing. 

If everything ends now, I won’t have to see the future and bare the inevitable pain. 

To continue, reality stares you at your face every minute. To give up, you leave behind inevitable pain for the people who care about you. 

What choice is there?

To fight is the same. To not fight is the same. 

Nowadays, im scared of sleeping. i wake up frightened. TO sleep, i am afraid.. 

I do all kinds of research i can to find people in similar position as myself. i need to find someone like myself now.. before it’s too late. 

I’m scared. That’s all. What if all this struggle is pointless? What if all the pain is not worth it and only thing you are left with is regret at the end?

 

Why not just appreciate the moments now by spending more time and care on your love ones? One day they will disappear and you have left is your own misery to face?

don’t leave me alone. don’t leave me here by myself.

It Makes no difference.

The worst feeling in life is realizing how impossible your dreams and goals might be and really submitting to that. 
I have never felt in my life.. wanting to just call it quits this bad. 

Yesterday, not sure what i was doing anymore.. 

I saw the future.. and it scared me shittless. I couldn’t handle it anymore.. and I really thought that death would be the most reasonable way out should the time come.. 

I told myself to just give up on all my dreams and appreciate what i have now. I didn’t want to regret anymore. neither could i accomplish anything on my own . anymore. 

Did I bounce back from this experience? 

No, reality is reality. You can’t change that. It’s either I accept reality and move forward or fight against it. But it’s not a reality i can accept .. to fight i feel futile. To not fight, i feel temporary.. burden lifted off my shoulders. but i am only risking the future.. the only hope is really to fight.. or to accept things as they are. either way is painful. 

 

 

Why we struggle?

I know why we continue to struggle even though we could enjoy the present moment and take things as they are. The reason is because the present moment is hell. 

We struggle so that we can make the future better, so we can take a chance at changing things for the better, that’s why we fight. We don’t struggle so that we can make our own life more miserable than it needs to be.

We struggle so that things could be different, could be better. 

 

Destiny

Im definitely not a quitter, but I have certainly reached a road block again. 

Let’s say every instance of now does not lead to the desired outcome, because luck and fate play a larger role. 

Everything you do now is destined. You can’t change your fate nor your outcome. Everything you do now is hopeless. 

 

Then shouldn’t it only be reasonable that we enjoy now as much as possible instead of struggling? 

We only have the time now to enjoy the life that’s given to us why struggle and make yourself suffer when the ending is the same?