today my mom was looking through pics of gradma.. and grandpa..

i asked her what she was loooking at.. and then i picked up the photos to realized that they were old pics.. 

the pics were of which my grandma still had black hair, when uncle was stil in his 30’s , when mom was still in her 40-50’s , the aunts and uncles stil young.. 

while growing up, i forgotten that they were growing old. i honestly thought that hey were invincible and that things would be the same.. 

until my worries became reality. with the flash of an eye everythign changed. what u feared has happend. 

no matter how many times i open my eyes now, no matter how many times i wake up from my horrible nightmare, no matter how many times i cried i wake up to the image of her looking old.. everyone is looking old. i am getting older. 

and soon years later. she is going to look exactly like how my grandma looked like.. 

with a hunchback , no longer able to remember clearly, talks very slow, seem very dumb, early stages of Alzheimer , no longer the person who i had spent the majority of my life with. 

in the back of my mind always was that if she ever dies, im leaving too. 

i feel selfish and guilty to continue living.. when all this time she has been alone. 

dad left her when i was less than 10 and since then she has raised both me and my brother alone. 

at times she says things like ‘you can never find  a mom like me again in this world’ or ‘i am like both a mom and a dad’ 

she’s right. these words now sink deeper in me more than ever before. 

if she’s ever gone, i can never find someone like her again. someone who loves both of me and my brother as much, someone willing to make sacrifices to take care of us, someone who could have chosen to give up on us and lead an easier life. 

instead, she took on those burdens to raise us alone all these years. 

in a sense,i never really grew up, because i had her by my side all these years. i was selfish too. 

i wanted us 3 to be together for the remainder of our life time no matter how much time that was.. 

i wanted us to continue enduring life together, experiencing life, and the changes i am able to bring to it through my accomplishments. 

i wanted us to go travel around the world together, live a life different from the past, proud and happy of everything we’ve been through. 

i wanted us to let the world know that everyone who’s looked down on us to know that we’ve really came far. 

i wanted us to make a lasting impression on this world that a family like us existed.. and that we’re where we are , because we’ve endured. 

i wanted people to know us and of our stories..

and that it really took was to show the world that we are living a happier better life now.

but everything is still a struggle. all is hopeless.

i am no longer doing as well as i used to with my business, i am losing hope, and things are changing too fast.

i feel a deep emptiness inside me , a hopeless feeling that this is the way that life has planned for us.