Lately, i have been missing my grandma and grandpa.. thinking about where they are now.
where their existence is.. the idea.. that death causes tthe existence of a person to cease..
and that no matter how much yearning is involved, a person who is gone can never be reached.
i don’t know what triggered these thoughts, but maybe just seeing that my mom has been turning really old.. she must have been reflecting alot on the past too, grandma and grandpa..
like today.. she was looking through old photos..
im sure she misses them alot.
and somehow that realization…causes pain inside me too.
i miss them too.. but for her it probably hurts.
in me is also a sense of fear and empty feelings.. will one day i be the same position as well?
is everything right now.. just pointless?
I met my grandpa when i was really young like 6-8? when my mom first took us a trip back to vietnam.
during that time my grandpa was still alive ..
i remember how me and my brother were loved. how we had fond memories..
and how grandpa always took us out to drink coffee in the morning (im dont’ remember if i drank the cofee or not) but he’d always try to kiss us in the morning.. and i still remember how his nose beard would always feel prickly across my face..
years past.. and i always missed them.. i would think back of days when we can finally return to vietnam to see them again..
during that time, i honestly thought my mom had no money.. no cent to spare.. and that the reason we were able to make that trip was cause she saved up..
so i patiently.. waited each year.. until we could one day return again..
this included ability to make long distance calls.
back then calling long distance was expensive.. so i assumed that we didn’t call much was because my mom couldn’t afford it..
years passed. found out that grandpa had throat cancer.
shortly he died. what was going through my mind that time at that age? i guess i didn’t quite comprehend the situation.
it didn’t leave any lasting impact.. all i knew was that he may or may not be dead?
can’t be sure until the next time we go to vietnam again?
if only i was smarter.. there was probably some compromise or solution.
year later.. we were finally making a trip back to vietnam.. this time with uncle too..
we went first though.. and i remember being very happy to see them..
i forgot .. how it was like to see my grandma again..
howcome i don’t remember ?
it should have leave a lasting impression in me.. but for some reason, nothing is filling that part of the memory..
what exactly happened during that time?
how could i have not treasured memories like that.. that i knew would be gone?
was i that blind? and naive?
i don’t know what happened between those years.. highschool, through to uni.. like something was missing.
now im finally able to go back to the sentiments i once had as a child.