Lately, i have been missing my grandma and grandpa.. thinking about where they are now. 

where their existence is.. the idea.. that death causes tthe existence of a person to cease.. 

and that no matter how much yearning is involved, a person who is gone can never be reached. 

i don’t know what triggered these thoughts, but maybe just seeing that my mom has been turning really old.. she must have been reflecting alot on the past too, grandma and grandpa..

like today.. she was looking through old photos..

im sure she misses them alot. 

and somehow that realization…causes pain inside me too. 

i miss them too.. but for her it probably hurts. 

in me is also a sense of fear and empty feelings.. will one day i be the same position as well?

is everything right now.. just pointless?

 

 

I met my grandpa when i was really young like 6-8? when my mom first took us a trip back to vietnam. 

during that time my grandpa was still alive .. 

i remember how me and my brother were loved. how we had fond memories.. 

and how grandpa always took us out to drink coffee in the morning (im dont’ remember if i drank the cofee or not) but he’d always try to kiss us in the morning.. and i still remember how his nose beard would always feel prickly across my face..

years past.. and i always missed them.. i would think back of days when we can finally return to vietnam to see them again..

during that time, i honestly thought my mom had no money.. no cent to spare.. and that the reason we were able to make that trip was cause she saved up..

so i patiently.. waited each year.. until we could one day return again.. 

this included ability to make long distance calls. 

back then calling long distance was expensive.. so i assumed that we didn’t call much was because my mom couldn’t afford it..

years passed. found out that grandpa had throat cancer. 

shortly he died. what was going through my mind that time at that age? i guess i didn’t quite comprehend the situation.

it didn’t leave any lasting impact.. all i knew was that he may or may not be dead? 

can’t be sure until the next time we go to vietnam again?

if only i was smarter.. there was probably some compromise or solution.

year later.. we were finally making a trip back to vietnam.. this time with uncle too..

we went first though.. and i remember being very happy to see them..

i forgot .. how it was like to see my grandma again..

howcome i don’t remember ? 

it should have leave a lasting impression in me.. but for some reason, nothing is filling that part of the memory..

what exactly happened during that time? 

how could i have not treasured memories like that.. that i knew would be gone? 

was i that blind? and naive? 

i don’t know what happened between those years.. highschool, through to uni.. like something was missing. 

now im finally able to go back to the sentiments i once had as a child. 

When it comes to business or other professional aspects of life, a very important skill to have is being able to deal with emotions. 

if you’re too happy, you may make the wrong decisions, and if you’re too conflicted inside, you may end up sabotaging your work. 

 

the best thing to do is to put the emotions aside in soome way maybe through journal writing, talking to a friend or consultant and and going forward with your projects.  

 

past

It’s currently 3:34 AM right now here, and I was just about to decide to sleep, but I wanted to write about some memorable things from my past. 

Lately, I have been thinking about my past a lot, chapters of my life. Maybe it’s a way of really maturing and moving forward understanding that they were chapters and are now over. 

Today, my friend (childhood friend; most of my current close friends are friends from my childhood (elementary years)) called me and then he connected me to a friend (another close childhood friend) who has recently moved out of the city. 

I have been avoiding conversations with him as always.. as i do with anyone. 

I don’t know why but talking to him, and the way this interaction carried out.. reminds me of the past.. 

when the three of us were in elementary school years and how we hang out together almost everyday.. in class, afterclass, . 

the good old days.. when not much has changed.. when haven’t experienced much of life yet.. the carefree old days where we are just looking forward to the next. 

i felt like i got a glimpse of that again during this interaction.. we are still close . 

he understood a lot has been on my mind lately and he was worried. 

they all understood. 

and that’s why they are people i will treasure in this life time, but people i have to avoid. 

if things get too close when the time comes, it will be too hard for me to leave. 

i am happy how things have turned out, how we are still the group that talks to oneanother among everything else that has changed. 

how we are still keeping in touch.. and nothing else in life has really pulled us away from one another. 

i am happy how despite that things took a different turn after entering highschool and how we had to split up.. (being in dfiferent classes, or programs, how power dynamics changed, ) we are now back together. 

i am glad that despite everything that happened in between, we stilll maintain our friendship. 

i only regret that i had chosen academics over friendship. that i had chosen solitude over social bond. 

i wished that back then i had not applied to the ib program or that i had put more efforts for us to keep in touch. 

maybe things would have been different, maybe i would have been happier. 

maybe i would have been content with the success now and not feel that something is missing.. and being afraid of it. 

maybe i would not have these dark thoughts.. because i realized that i have spent my time with what matters..

now i place more of my focus on my mom and family and accomplishing this last chapter.. 

i honestly hope that one day.. i will succeed, feel no more regrets, and not have to think about whether the choices i made in the past were right or wrong. 

 

today my mom was looking through pics of gradma.. and grandpa..

i asked her what she was loooking at.. and then i picked up the photos to realized that they were old pics.. 

the pics were of which my grandma still had black hair, when uncle was stil in his 30’s , when mom was still in her 40-50’s , the aunts and uncles stil young.. 

while growing up, i forgotten that they were growing old. i honestly thought that hey were invincible and that things would be the same.. 

until my worries became reality. with the flash of an eye everythign changed. what u feared has happend. 

no matter how many times i open my eyes now, no matter how many times i wake up from my horrible nightmare, no matter how many times i cried i wake up to the image of her looking old.. everyone is looking old. i am getting older. 

and soon years later. she is going to look exactly like how my grandma looked like.. 

with a hunchback , no longer able to remember clearly, talks very slow, seem very dumb, early stages of Alzheimer , no longer the person who i had spent the majority of my life with. 

in the back of my mind always was that if she ever dies, im leaving too. 

i feel selfish and guilty to continue living.. when all this time she has been alone. 

dad left her when i was less than 10 and since then she has raised both me and my brother alone. 

at times she says things like ‘you can never find  a mom like me again in this world’ or ‘i am like both a mom and a dad’ 

she’s right. these words now sink deeper in me more than ever before. 

if she’s ever gone, i can never find someone like her again. someone who loves both of me and my brother as much, someone willing to make sacrifices to take care of us, someone who could have chosen to give up on us and lead an easier life. 

instead, she took on those burdens to raise us alone all these years. 

in a sense,i never really grew up, because i had her by my side all these years. i was selfish too. 

i wanted us 3 to be together for the remainder of our life time no matter how much time that was.. 

i wanted us to continue enduring life together, experiencing life, and the changes i am able to bring to it through my accomplishments. 

i wanted us to go travel around the world together, live a life different from the past, proud and happy of everything we’ve been through. 

i wanted us to let the world know that everyone who’s looked down on us to know that we’ve really came far. 

i wanted us to make a lasting impression on this world that a family like us existed.. and that we’re where we are , because we’ve endured. 

i wanted people to know us and of our stories..

and that it really took was to show the world that we are living a happier better life now.

but everything is still a struggle. all is hopeless.

i am no longer doing as well as i used to with my business, i am losing hope, and things are changing too fast.

i feel a deep emptiness inside me , a hopeless feeling that this is the way that life has planned for us.

 

 

I’m exhausted. the idea of death becomes appealing. 

If everything ends now, I won’t have to see the future and bare the inevitable pain. 

To continue, reality stares you at your face every minute. To give up, you leave behind inevitable pain for the people who care about you. 

What choice is there?

To fight is the same. To not fight is the same. 

Nowadays, im scared of sleeping. i wake up frightened. TO sleep, i am afraid.. 

I do all kinds of research i can to find people in similar position as myself. i need to find someone like myself now.. before it’s too late. 

I’m scared. That’s all. What if all this struggle is pointless? What if all the pain is not worth it and only thing you are left with is regret at the end?

 

Why not just appreciate the moments now by spending more time and care on your love ones? One day they will disappear and you have left is your own misery to face?

don’t leave me alone. don’t leave me here by myself.